Tuesday, February 21, 2017

WHALE PLEASURES

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a fishing boat one whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes and capsize the boat, for a laugh''.
They proceed to do this and swim back down laughing their flippers off.
Then the first whale says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat a few?''
The other whale then replies ''Look mate I don't mind the odd blow job but I refuse to swallow seamen!!!!''

Sunday, November 27, 2016

AIRPLANE MOVIE SAFETY

Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so I'm thinking, 'Would a hijacker watch a movie?' Probably not, right?... But you know it's a good movie if you land, and he's like, 'Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.'

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Funny Cop Jokes - Officer Jokes

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it; "Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Knock Knock Jokes For Everybody

Read Knock knock Jokes just so funny
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

One liner Jokes

1. My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Joe Bor

2.Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
Mark Nelson

3.I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
Tom Stade

4.He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
Tommy Cooper

5.British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
Jimmy Carr

6.My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray

7.Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
Stewart Francis

8.My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.
Fin Taylor

9.I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
Paddy Lennox

10.For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
Sara Pascoe

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Clock Jokes

Q: Why did the scientist drop a wrist watch into his flask?
A: He was looking for a timely solution.
Q: Why was the clock in the gazebo?
A: It was time out.
Q: What did the robber say to the clock?
A: Hands up!
Q: What does a wall clock do after it stops ticking?
A: It hangs around.
Q: What do you call a tense clock?
A: All wound up.
Q: What did the street clock say to the tower clock?
A: High there!
Q: Where did the clock finish the race?
A: Wherever it wound up.
Q: What did the sea captain say to the clocks on the galley?
A: All hands on deck.
Q: What did the second hand say to the hour hand as it passed by?
A:  See you again in a minute.
Q: What do you call a story that one clock tells to another?
A: Second hand information.
Q: What did the unwound clock say to its owner?
A: It’s about time!
Q: What did the watch say to the clock?
A: Hour you doing?
Q: Why did the girl sit on her watch?
A: She wanted to be on time!
Q: Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: What do you get when you cross a clock and a chicken?
A: A cluck
Q: How can you tell if a clock is hungry?
A: It’ll go back four seconds!
Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What time was it when the elephant sat on the clock?
A: Time to get a new clock.
Q: Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work over time.
Q: What happens when you annoy a clock?
A: It gets ticked off.
Q: Why didn’t the clock work?
A: It needed a hand.
Q: What do you call a grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.
Q: Why did the boy put an alarm clock in his shoe?
A: He didn’t want his foot to fall asleep.
Q: Why did the clock get sent to the principal’s office?
A: It was tocking too much.
Q: What time does the duck wake up?
A:  At the quack of dawn.
Q: What candy never arrives on time?
A:  Choco-late.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Knock Knock jokes for kids (and adults) - P1

Knock, knock!

 Who’s there?

 Opportunity!

 That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 An extraterrestrial.

 Extraterrestrial who?

 What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?

 Knock knock.

 Who's there?

 Beats.

 Beats who?

 Beats me.

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 The interrupting cow.

 Interrupting cow wh-

 Moooooo!

 Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 The door.

 Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 Double.

 Double who?

 W!

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 Iva.

 Iva who?

 Iva craving for cookie. Get baking!

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 Yoda lady.

 Yoda lady who?

 Good job yodeling!

 Why did the chicken cross the road?

 To hunt somebody down.

 Knock knock.

 Who's there?

The chicken.