Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so I'm thinking, 'Would a hijacker watch a movie?' Probably not, right?... But you know it's a good movie if you land, and he's like, 'Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.'
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Funny Cop Jokes - Officer Jokes
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it; "Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it; "Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Knock Knock Jokes For Everybody
Read Knock knock Jokes just so funny
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
One liner Jokes
1. My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Joe Bor
2.Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
Mark Nelson
3.I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
Tom Stade
4.He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
Tommy Cooper
5.British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
Jimmy Carr
6.My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray
7.Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
Stewart Francis
8.My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.
Fin Taylor
9.I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
Paddy Lennox
10.For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
Sara Pascoe
Joe Bor
2.Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
Mark Nelson
3.I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
Tom Stade
4.He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
Tommy Cooper
5.British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
Jimmy Carr
6.My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray
7.Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
Stewart Francis
8.My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.
Fin Taylor
9.I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
Paddy Lennox
10.For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
Sara Pascoe
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Clock Jokes
Q: Why did the scientist drop a wrist watch into his flask?
A: He was looking for a timely solution.
A: He was looking for a timely solution.
Q: Why was the clock in the gazebo?
A: It was time out.
A: It was time out.
Q: What did the robber say to the clock?
A: Hands up!
A: Hands up!
Q: What does a wall clock do after it stops ticking?
A: It hangs around.
A: It hangs around.
Q: What do you call a tense clock?
A: All wound up.
A: All wound up.
Q: What did the street clock say to the tower clock?
A: High there!
A: High there!
Q: Where did the clock finish the race?
A: Wherever it wound up.
A: Wherever it wound up.
Q: What did the sea captain say to the clocks on the galley?
A: All hands on deck.
A: All hands on deck.
Q: What did the second hand say to the hour hand as it passed by?
A: See you again in a minute.
A: See you again in a minute.
Q: What do you call a story that one clock tells to another?
A: Second hand information.
A: Second hand information.
Q: What did the unwound clock say to its owner?
A: It’s about time!
A: It’s about time!
Q: What did the watch say to the clock?
A: Hour you doing?
A: Hour you doing?
Q: Why did the girl sit on her watch?
A: She wanted to be on time!
A: She wanted to be on time!
Q: Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: What do you get when you cross a clock and a chicken?
A: A cluck
A: A cluck
Q: How can you tell if a clock is hungry?
A: It’ll go back four seconds!
A: It’ll go back four seconds!
Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: A watch dog.
A: A watch dog.
Q: What time was it when the elephant sat on the clock?
A: Time to get a new clock.
A: Time to get a new clock.
Q: Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work over time.
A: He wanted to work over time.
Q: What happens when you annoy a clock?
A: It gets ticked off.
A: It gets ticked off.
Q: Why didn’t the clock work?
A: It needed a hand.
A: It needed a hand.
Q: What do you call a grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.
A: An old timer.
Q: Why did the boy put an alarm clock in his shoe?
A: He didn’t want his foot to fall asleep.
A: He didn’t want his foot to fall asleep.
Q: Why did the clock get sent to the principal’s office?
A: It was tocking too much.
A: It was tocking too much.
Q: What time does the duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn.
A: At the quack of dawn.
Q: What candy never arrives on time?
A: Choco-late.
A: Choco-late.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Knock Knock jokes for kids (and adults) - P1
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
Extraterrestrial who?
What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh-
Moooooo!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The door.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Double.
Double who?
W!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
Iva craving for cookie. Get baking!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Yoda lady.
Yoda lady who?
Good job yodeling!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To hunt somebody down.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
Extraterrestrial who?
What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh-
Moooooo!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The door.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Double.
Double who?
W!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
Iva craving for cookie. Get baking!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Yoda lady.
Yoda lady who?
Good job yodeling!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To hunt somebody down.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
True story about women - Woman Jokes
Let's see the joke clean below about women
1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of
"need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale
is fair game.
3) Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
8) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from
the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing
they only tell two or three people.
9) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
10) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five
days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes
on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what
she'll feel like wearing each day.
11) Women brush their hair before bed.
12) Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
13) Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible".
14) The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
15) Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
16) Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.
17) A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
18) Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
19) Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
20) "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man- language.
21) Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
22) If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a
flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What
did you do?"
23) Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a
guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over
Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
24) It's okay for women to kiss each other and not be gay.
25) Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and
then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men
can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch
men checking out other women.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Knock Knock Cow says
1. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cow says.
Cow says who?
No, a cow says mooooo!
2. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.
3. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No I’m not!
4. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you, friend.
5. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you, now hand over the cash.
6. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I’ll have some peanuts.
7. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
8. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome.
9. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I smell mop.
I smell mop who?
Ew.
10. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
That’s revolting.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Sexy Knock Knock Jokes
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Sexy!
Sexy who?
Sexy Lady,
OP OP OP OP OP OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican!
Jamaican who?
"Jamaica wanna scream and shout and let it all out"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Baghdad!
Baghdad who?
Girl, you looks good, won't you Baghdad ass up
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rhoda!
Rhoda who?
Row, Row, Rhoda boat...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ringo!
Ringo who?
Ringo round the roses!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wendy!
Wendy who?
Wendy wind blows de cradle will fall.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Stopwatch Who - Knock Knock Jokes
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Weirdo.
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you're going?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Olive Who?
Olive You
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Cozy!
Cozy who?
Cozy whose knocking please.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stopwatch!
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch your doing and pay attention!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spell!
Spell who?
W H O I want wireless
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wire-man Wire-man who?
WIRE you doing this to me?
Friday, June 24, 2016
Narnia Who-Knock Knock Joke
2quotes.net
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Broccoli Broccoli Who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Narnia!
Narnia who?
Narnia business.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Cotton!
Cotton who?
Cotton a trap, can you help me out.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Juicy.
Juicy who?
Juicy (did you see) last nights episode of the Big Bang Theory?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wire.
Wire who?
Wire you asking i just told you.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Knock Knock Jokes - Georgia Who?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Atch Atch Who?
God Bless You!
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Yah. Yah who Nooo!
Thanks I use Google.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Georgia Georgia Who?
Georgia the Jungle, watch out for that tree!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
Knock knock
Who's there USB!
USB who?
USB makes better honey.
