Wednesday, August 24, 2016

One liner Jokes

1. My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Joe Bor

2.Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
Mark Nelson

3.I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
Tom Stade

4.He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
Tommy Cooper

5.British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
Jimmy Carr

6.My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray

7.Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
Stewart Francis

8.My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.
Fin Taylor

9.I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
Paddy Lennox

10.For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
Sara Pascoe

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Clock Jokes

Q: Why did the scientist drop a wrist watch into his flask?
A: He was looking for a timely solution.
Q: Why was the clock in the gazebo?
A: It was time out.
Q: What did the robber say to the clock?
A: Hands up!
Q: What does a wall clock do after it stops ticking?
A: It hangs around.
Q: What do you call a tense clock?
A: All wound up.
Q: What did the street clock say to the tower clock?
A: High there!
Q: Where did the clock finish the race?
A: Wherever it wound up.
Q: What did the sea captain say to the clocks on the galley?
A: All hands on deck.
Q: What did the second hand say to the hour hand as it passed by?
A:  See you again in a minute.
Q: What do you call a story that one clock tells to another?
A: Second hand information.
Q: What did the unwound clock say to its owner?
A: It’s about time!
Q: What did the watch say to the clock?
A: Hour you doing?
Q: Why did the girl sit on her watch?
A: She wanted to be on time!
Q: Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: What do you get when you cross a clock and a chicken?
A: A cluck
Q: How can you tell if a clock is hungry?
A: It’ll go back four seconds!
Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What time was it when the elephant sat on the clock?
A: Time to get a new clock.
Q: Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work over time.
Q: What happens when you annoy a clock?
A: It gets ticked off.
Q: Why didn’t the clock work?
A: It needed a hand.
Q: What do you call a grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.
Q: Why did the boy put an alarm clock in his shoe?
A: He didn’t want his foot to fall asleep.
Q: Why did the clock get sent to the principal’s office?
A: It was tocking too much.
Q: What time does the duck wake up?
A:  At the quack of dawn.
Q: What candy never arrives on time?
A:  Choco-late.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Knock Knock jokes for kids (and adults) - P1

Knock, knock!

 Who’s there?

 Opportunity!

 That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 An extraterrestrial.

 Extraterrestrial who?

 What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?

 Knock knock.

 Who's there?

 Beats.

 Beats who?

 Beats me.

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 The interrupting cow.

 Interrupting cow wh-

 Moooooo!

 Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 The door.

 Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 Double.

 Double who?

 W!

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 Iva.

 Iva who?

 Iva craving for cookie. Get baking!

Knock knock.

 Who’s there?

 Yoda lady.

 Yoda lady who?

 Good job yodeling!

 Why did the chicken cross the road?

 To hunt somebody down.

 Knock knock.

 Who's there?

The chicken.